It was taken away, bit by bit. I have memories, several, where I poured my heart into something and the feedback made me feel empty inside. It was never about the process, the journey, the work, the love and passion. In the world I grew up in, results mattered more. And being who I was, I did not have the inner fortification to withstand the unintentional, offhand comments, or critique given. My confidence waned. Or rather, it was taken.

There was this boy I went to school with. We both played in the school jazz band and the school orchestra. He sat at the piano with his pale skin and dark hair and played upon the keys with purpose. Though I excelled at the drums, being one of the few who could keep a beat enough to be in the band, I played it as if it was a game. It involved little effort and my passion for it was mediocre. I yearned for the feeling of purpose I saw in the boy who played the piano.

Yet, the very things that made me feel purpose, seemed so silly. I felt I had to hide those things, or I felt they were not worth a great effort since the value the world I knew placed upon them was menial at best. Remember, I am telling this story not from the perspective of fact, but the perspective of the feeling I had as a young girl.

Now that I've told you how this story begins, let's get to the middle part: Healing. I needed to heal my perception of the world and my beliefs around how others perceive me. Most of all, I needed to heal my belief around who I was.

My chipped confidence sucked in moisture that was the feeding ground to all sorts of moldy beliefs that sickened my system. I am lazy. I am not good enough. I am not talented at what I love. If only I wanted to I could but I don't want to.

What falsehoods had grown inside of me! 

But here is the thing when our passions and purpose is suppressed and hidden beneath a lackluster veneer of cracked confidence. Like dandelions they sprout through even the thickest concrete. As the years went by and I removed myself from the surroundings I will always call home. Like the hero of fairy tales I had to leave and put myself in situations increasingly uncomfortable and foreign to the most valued jewels of love I had been brought up with.

Increasingly uncomfortable, I could not do anything but start to heal and magic was key. I poured myself into the arts, sitting alone in the attic of a house. I was an art student that chose to live in a Dutch suburbia, isolated from her fellow students. But I was not alone. In the spaciousness I allowed myself to have, with my dear dog Oluf at my side, I began my journey of formally studying the magical arts. 

The practices and rituals opened up portals within me that helped me to understand the essence of my being, beyond all beliefs, beyond confidence and insecurities, beyond situations and circumstances, and my own personal tendencies, there was something else. Deep within me lay a shining star, a guiding light. I discovered what it feels like to encounter gods and to to encounter myself.

Everything did not change instantly. A difficult road still lay ahead of me, and I might tell you about it another time. Today I am no longer a young student. I am a somewhat young mother moving towards her 40s and over a decade lie between the self I am now now and the woman going on otherworldly journeys in the attic of the suburban house. Suffice it to say, I am still studying and practicing the magical arts today. I have come to accept that my passions and purpose lie with the so-called unseen. I say so-called for those who have journeyed far enough know that the unseen is very much seen, we just need to know how to look. It is everywhere to behold.

These days I do not have all the answers. What I do have is the guiding star within. Even when the future feels like a mystery and the present like a rollercoaster, I know where to find calm, peace and the beauty that comes with being able to surrender to what is. What's more is that I know how to participate in shaping my future. What was called magic yesterday is known as science today. What is called magic today will be known as science tomorrow.

At this point you might want to know how you can live a life guided by your inner shining star. I have great news for you! We have a course called Journey to Your Essence launching very soon. In it you will learn how to peel away the parts of your identity you currently know as self and walk the spiral path into the Infinite Cave of Stars within you where your essence, your shining star, is waiting for you.

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Sending you love, wherever you are.