In this post:

• A personal journey through friendship breakups from childhood to adulthood
• Three powerful lessons learned from losing friends—and how they shaped me
• Practical exercises to build inner confidence, practice forgiveness, and discover what friendship means to you
• Why letting go of expectations transforms relationships
• An invitation to navigate life's hardships with clarity and spiritual tools

The Friendship That Broke My Heart

My heart was broken and a decade later I still felt sad when I thought about it. A world had disappeared from under my feet like a magic carpet that only existed in my wildest dreams. She was gone. My bestest friend in the whole wide world. I climbed the big rock at the playground on my own, feeling the sharp pang of having been replaced by someone better. Up until then I had never thought about myself as not good enough, now I acutely felt like I definitely was not one of the cool kids and never was gonna be.

This is not the story of a 4th grader who has that inner gumption to believe in herself despite what happened to her. It is the story of a girl who had to grow to become a woman in her 30s, before turning a new page in the adventure of her life and starting to believe in her worth, no matter who was there.

You see, up until that moment I never had a friendship breakup. After that I closed my heart off and made sure I was always the one to break up a friendship before any friend could ever hurt me again. It was a defense mechanism that did not serve me well as the most vulnerable part of me became inaccessible. This translated to romantic relationships as well, where I made sure I was always the one to both initiate the relationship and end it.

The result? Nobody ever got the chance to woo me and nobody put me in my place either.

Where I Am Now

Where am I now? Surrounded by friends, some of which I've journeyed with for over a decade, others are just making their way into my heart. I am also with the first man to woo me, happily raising a family of two kids and two dogs.

But the trip from there to here was long, wrought with many lows, a lot of grief and self-deception, revenge (not mine!), initiations into mystery traditions, plus the healing power of a very special community of LGBTQ+ souls.

I'll break this journey down into lessons and corresponding practices, so if you're going through any of the same stuff you have something tangible and practical to work with.

1st Friendship Breakup Lesson: Your Identity Can't Depend on Others

If the friendship was part of your identity, it really sucks when the breakup happens. That first friendship breakup I told you about? That friend was a big part of who I was. It made me feel confident, like nothing else mattered, and I was so immersed in that relationship that I would close myself off to other people because that friend was just the best person ever. To me. So when that changed, I not only didn't have other friends, I also felt all my confidence disappear.

The big takeaway from that experience is wisdom as old as the ages themselves: Confidence is something we need to nurture from within for it to become a source of strength even when a storm rages around us and our ship is being thrown from side to side. If our confidence is sourced by something external, we will have a very hard time when that external thing falls away.

While I feel it is almost unavoidable to have all your confidence come from within, having an awareness of where you source it from something outside of yourself can help a lot. As I write this, I feel this is a good reminder for myself as well, to look at where I source my confidence from and how much of it is external.

Practice: Try this when you feel insecure and unsure of your place in the world. Take a deep breath and close your eyes. Think of the stars swirling above our heads, the space dust whirling through eternity, and how all the stuff you are made of comes from the place of astonishing beauty that has turned our heads towards the skies on a clear night to feel awe and wonder. Remember, you are made by the stars. Now let your confidence arise from this remembering.

2nd Friendship Breakup Lesson: Grief Looks Different for Everyone—And That's Okay

Not everyone is good. I used to have the unshakeable belief that everyone is a good person and will do the right thing. Then I had this long relationship. When it ended, this person took revenge. Everyone we both knew was contacted by them with a threat to never speak to me again. The craziest part was that I ended up being left by an entire community of people. It felt surreal. That was a lot of friends to lose all at the same time. In some ways, it felt like a rug of reality was pulled away from under my feet and I had to face the hard truth that so many of the people I had surrounded myself with for seven years had never been good friends to begin with. And even if they had been friends, I had to face the fact that I had blinded myself from seeing that so many people I had let into my life and my home did not share some of the most important core values I had. It is one thing to threaten people with never speaking to them again if they don't obey and break contact, it is another thing to be of the constitution that actually complies with such a threat.

The big lesson I learned from this experience was that it's okay to grieve in whichever way is needed. I laid on my couch with the tiniest little joint after not having smoked for a year (and not having smoked since then) while watching Star Trek Discovery and Call My Agent for days on end, only getting up to walk the dogs or eat some food. I talked to friends on the phone for 3 hours on end, went day drinking with a girlfriend (just once), bought expensive sunglasses, and did whatever else I needed to do in order to process the experience.

I also spent a lot of time forgiving, starting with myself. Forgiveness can sometimes feel like a buzzword, but its value becomes apparent when we allow ourselves to feel wronged and then allow ourselves to let it go. Instead of cursing someone who hurt us, we bless them and in return we end up feeling blessed. This may not happen immediately, but with time it always does. I am actually smiling as I write this.

Practice: Try the following when you feel someone has made you angry or given you grief. Send them a blessing. Important: This does not mean you are okay with their behavior. In fact, it has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with you. There are times when anger is appropriate, but more often than not, holding on to anger does more harm to ourselves than it does to the person we are angry at. Whereas when we bless someone, we fill ourselves up with juicy, life-affirming energy. It's amazing how this works!

3rd Friendship Breakup Lesson: Let Go of What Friendship "Should" Be

If I look back on all my relationships that ended, whatever form or shape they took, I see my own shortcomings in the events. From projection that hid reality behind a wall of fiction to hope, from self-deception to immature emotions, I've been at fault in all these things. I had so much to learn and am still learning every day.

One thing that stands out above it all was the discrepancy between my expectations and my true self. I had this idea around what a friendship was supposed to be like that I subconsciously held on to, mixed with the trauma of my very first friendship breakup. This idea sometimes made it hard to discern an actual friendship from acquaintance from community. In some ways having an idea of what friendship is supposed to be like made me a victim of it when that idea was not reflected by reality.

Forever I feel grateful to dear, beloved, long-term friends who one may consider to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. Some of them I consider my greatest teachers. In a world that is still not safe in many places for those who express love and kinship, friendship and community in ways that at times brings up a harsh mirror over what is known as the norm, it is high time to turn to the wisdom garnered from meeting each other, beginning with ourselves, for who we truly are, not who we think we are supposed to be. My sense is that peace will be a little nearer if we love each other for our differences. For this, I say thank you.

The biggest takeaway of every friendship breakup is the lesson of letting go of any preconceived notions I might have of what a friendship, or any relationship is supposed to express itself as. Every ending is an opportunity to reflect and each time I came out of the cave of grief I was able to learn something new about my friendships and myself. When am I happiest? How do I connect? What kind of friendships inspire me and feel like a grand inhalation of life? My big personal question is: Does everything always have to feel so important? Again, I am smiling as I type. My smile is both to my past self that found many things very important and my current self that is much more at ease and relaxed. I wonder what my future self will be like!

Practice: Try the following to get to know yourself and your truth better. This always helps us relate more authentically with others and find those true friendships that breathe joy into a lifetime. What questions around friendship have you never really asked yourself? These questions can be hard to find, so start with a couple of questions that are easy to think of. Reflect on them. It is not important to have an answer, just to direct attention and thought. Eventually you will come across a question that feels new to you. Notice how curiosity and interest can transform emotions, sometimes even those that have had a grip on us for a long time.

3 Takeaways & Practices

On Confidence: You are made of stardust. When you feel insecure, close your eyes and remember the cosmos flows through you. Let your confidence arise from this ancient truth rather than from what others think of you.

On Grief: It's okay to grieve however you need to—whether that's laying on the couch for days, buying expensive sunglasses, or talking to friends for hours. And when you're ready, send blessings to those who hurt you. Not for them, but to fill yourself with life-affirming energy.

On Expectations: Let go of the idea of what friendship is supposed to be. Ask yourself questions you've never asked before about connection, happiness, and what truly inspires you. Curiosity transforms even the emotions that have gripped us for years.

Navigating the Unknown

It can be hard to navigate through life when we are in the middle of hardship. Whether it is a breakup with a friend, losing a job, not knowing what is next, we are always in some way at the precipice of the unknown. Add to that a crazy amount of noise all around us, and it can be hard to know your bearings. It can be even harder to hear your own intuition and actually acting on intuition can be like facing the end-boss in a video game. Except it is real life and we cannot respawn infinitely.

Over the years I have come to fall in love with ritual technology and somatic practices. After over a decade of helping others navigate life with a reliable spiritual compass, I've put together two courses that hold some of the most transformative and clarifying practices both for me in my life, and for my clients. You're probably curious if you've made it this far.

In essence, the courses are about this: We begin with a journey of discovering who we truly are. This is like the 1st practice in this blog post, except deeper, bigger and more magical. Through journaling prompts and meditations you prepare yourself for a ritual that takes you into the very center of your being. It is mystical, magical, and beyond what we can imagine, for we are all far more than we can ever know. The clue is, even if we cannot know it, we can feel it! This is what Journey to Your Essence does!

The second course of the bundle is about desire. Not just surface desires, but actually getting to know your deepest desires. This is why it is important to first have a sense of your truth! Once you discover your desire, which the course gently guides you towards, you are initiated into a somatic practice that allows you to explore where parts of you are holding you back from realizing that desire. Through a trauma-informed somatic approach you are guided to work with those parts and clear the path.

What are these courses together? The Navigator's Kit, helping you on your journey towards your dream reality. Whether you are desiring authentic friendships or are in the process of healing from a friendship breakup, the combination of these courses can help you get your bearings and face forward into the miracle that it is to be alive.

The wildest part is that this bundle is available for just $27. There is limited availability because the price is so low it doesn't really make sense for the value you're getting. So grab it while it lasts! (Note: If you click the link and the price has changed, that's because our special offer sold out. Make sure to sign up to our MagicLetter below to receive updates when we run an offer like this again.)